Eternal Flux

I have no will power. I cut up my last credit card last night. I had to do it. Like a band-aid I did it fast so I couldn’t change my mind. I have to stop the cycle. I have an emergency overdraft on my checking account if I have a true emergency. If I don’t stop the cycle now I will never EVER get out of this. My debt is going up, not down. Those cards are killing me. It’s making me sick to my stomach. I’m done with them. If I can’t pay cash, I don’t need it. I’m drowning in debt and I will never be able to retire until I’m out from under it. Now starts today.

I’m feeling a bit better today. I returned a pair of jeans I bought on credit that I really didn’t need. I didn’t eat out even though I REALLY wanted a gyro wrap. I went home and have pork chop and cabbage instead. I’ve been feeling sort of sick. I can’t seem to sleep enough to save my life. Then again I can sleep when I’m dead. I did clean up my kitchen last night. Made me feel better. Tonight I’m going to do some laundry. Being productive makes me feel much better. I just have to DO it.

Things are foggy for me right now. I feel like everything is getting out of control. My weight. My debt. My home. My health. My drinking. I want to fix everything and right now. But I can’t. I’m dreaming dreams that aren’t going to come true. Holding on to hope where none exists. It all has to start with baby steps. Not eating out. Getting my emergency fund built back up. Get back on a cleaning schedule. Brush my teeth twice a day. Only one glass of wine a day, no more vodka.

No one can fix my life save me. Only I can make the differences I want to see and feel. No one else. Me.

And yet I don’t much see the point in doing any of this. I am alone. No one to care for me when I’m sick. No one to enjoy a laugh or a song. No shoulder to cry on. No one to surprise. No one to give my love.

It’s all so very hazy.

I know I usually post about my weight and debt at the end of the week. Lets just say I suck and leave it at that, okay? Thanks.

It’s Friday. I’m quite happy about this. I have no set plans. I have ideas about what I want to do. There are a couple of paintings I want to work on. I have Shaun of the Dead to watch as well as Iron Man and The Incredible Hulk. I may even go see The Avengers again. There is the Game of Thrones on Blu Ray special features I want to see. I’d like to go to the zoo. I’ve thought up a cabbage and chicken soup recipe I want to try and make. There is some cleaning that needs doing. Maybe some rearranging. And finally I have many games to play on my computer. But I have to get through the next seven hours and fifteen minutes of work first. I can do this.

 

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These brave men and women sacrifice so much in their lives just so others may get to enjoy freedom. For that I am proud to call them Hero.
Those Who Say That We’re In A Time When There Are No Heroes, They Just Don’t Know Where To Look

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It looks like my adventure with the ducklings have come to an end. We’ve had a bit of rain the last few days so I went to check on the nest last night. They were all gone. Nothing was left but the egg shells. I was a bit sad about it, but I am happy to know that her eggs did finally hatch and she will be able to raise her little ducklings. After work today I’m going to go look for them. Best of luck to you Momma Duck.

I went to see The Avengers last night. It is a GREAT movie. I’m going to have to go back and buy the previous movies leading up to this one. I already have Thor, but I need Captain America, the Iron Man movies, and the Hulk movies. Thor 2 should be coming out next year. But poor New York. They are the target of nearly every attack in movies. Why not just fence houston? Or take out New Orleans from time to time? I know one thing, I am never moving to New York.

A very ‘family’ weekend. I had my younger daughter over for the weekend. We spent Saturday with my mom in order to miss the Mother’s Day rush. We took her to eat and then to Vulcan Park up on Red Mountain. She said she had not been since they repaired him and put him back up. It was overcast, but humid. We all had a good time. Sunday I got to babysit my granddaughter. She is walking so well now! A few words here and there. Mostly duck and hi. So very cute!

Remember the mama duck I was so worried about? Her eggs finally hatched! We checked on her Saturday and there they were. We couldn’t get in close enough to see how many. She was rather protective. I did manage to zoom in and get a quick picture. I haven’t uploaded it yet. I’ll post it when I do.

As kids we all dream of what we’re going to do when we grow up. I wanted to be in a rock band like most kids my age. If I were rich I’d have a house with a basement full of equipment. Instruments, of course, and sound proof walls. I’d also want some Avalon recording equipment so I could make my own demos. I don’t have much of a voice, but I know with lots of practice I could rock on the drums. I did play the flute in high school after all.

Start: 150.0
Current: 141.4
Weekly Loss: 1.2
Total Loss: 8.6
Goal: 125
To go: 16.4

Another loss! Only 1.2 pounds, but it’s in the right direction. I was worried for a bit there. My biggest hurdle is that I usually undo everything over the weekend. I’m going to try really hard to not undo everything. I’ve got a lunch ‘date’ today and I’m taking my mom out tomorrow for an early Mother’s Day. I’m planning to eat salads and drink water. Drinking lots of water is key for me. If I can get down at least 64 ounces a day my weight stays steady or drops. Mostly I’m looking forward to fitting back into my clothes again. I miss them.